Through the Rain

"When you get caught in the rain
With noware to run
When you’re distraught
And in pain without anyone and you feel so far away

That you just can't find your way home
you can get there alone
it's okay
What you say is

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail
What you say is

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain"

                                               -Mariah Carey, 'Through the Rain'-

Back Home

A little late to be posting this now that I've been back for a good 2 months and will be returning to Brisbane in a month's time. However coming back a good break indeed. I got good rest, got to exercise after a year of neglect and junk food, got to see my friends and spend time with family, and also to recover from the testing time and to be made new.

The next few posts will cover the CM Camp '09 and the trip to Cambodia in December. These two times were really day-in-day-out serving the Lord, a very refreshing time. Really felt the difference when I committed to faithfully waking up every morning to do my devotion even when I got only 4-5 hours of sleep and it went on for the whole 3 weeks of December.

The next budding photographer Clara Ying

Wow, this is at my home?!

Resurrection

Hi all, my blog has risen from its slumber.

Shaking and Faith
The period following my previous post on 19 Oct was an undulating time of falling and picking myself up, over and over. Tiring and drying. I had to overcome some disappointments from that time, and also had to acknowledge some failures that came therein.

Nonetheless following the dark valley, here I am, redeemed, refreshed, restored. I'm thankful that God is ever-faithful, unchanging and always present. Forgiveness came to us free of charge simply because we are children of God and we are the Blessed, the Redeemed, Saints, sons of God. This identity we have in Christ is something that I've come to appreciate a lot more and really KNOW it in my heart and life, not just knowing it in my head.

What i'm trying to say is that whilst I was in the struggle, I was a desert (spiritually) and I began to doubt my own faith. Thoughts from the devil that caused me not to stand on the firm foundation of the Lord. Being apart from God is a very weakening experience indeed. But once I began to take the time once again to be reconciled with God, to reflect on his Word and to set aside everything that had hindered my walk, the presence of God was like rain.

Some others have referred to the time as a testing time that God had allowed, others say that I was just going through disobedience, and some say that I had been given to temptations that distracted me from my walk. I guess all that applies in the different aspects of the time. It just means that I have to learn from all of it and strengthen myself against it. Once again I draw encouragement from Luke22:31-32, especially 32b which is Jesus' command to Peter: "and when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."

Also this time of sifting has really taught me to rely on God. It showed me all my weaknesses and pointed me in a direction. (I'm really not elaborating here.)

Let's just say that Christ is our Rock, whom we stand upon.

Psalm 30:6-7: "⁶ When I felt secure, I said, "I will never be shaken." ⁷ O LORD, when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed"

Refiner's Fire

This segment is about my testimony at cell on 13/11/09. Whilst a lot of testimonies are about how God has blessed the person recounting the testimony, mine was about how I was currently in a struggle, one that I knew God was allowing me to go through, and for everyone to stay tune for part II (which is guaranteed to be a lot more exciting).


 I shared first about my struggles. The first was about my shaken faith: "God, are you actually there?" and "God, I thought I knew you. Do I?" and also my troubles with what I observed in others, whether I was being deceived by the enemy or if there was a certain degree of hypocrisy in some actions. In addition, I was under spiritual attack (which I reserve comment on).

Second was what I felt to be a silence from God. Did I blog about this before? Well, it was ongoing.


Third was how I was in a struggle with my personal weaknesses. Pride, jealousy, anti-social tendencies, judgmental attitude etc.


Next, I shared about the lessons that I knew God was teaching me. Perseverance, and this from verses that were shown to me in my prayers [Rom5:3-4, James1:12]; Joy, which comes from the Lord; Submission to Him (really basic thing that I was lacking in); to be Still (often reminded); and also some things from the past that I had to recover from.


The bottom line of my struggle was this: I wanted God to be more real in my life. And I had told God to show himself to be real, even if I was to go through testing and hardship, but at least I would know that He was there. It's like how Jacob knew God was God because he struggled with God.


Even in the struggles, I knew that God was working because He had given me guidance and providence in several aspects. Also that God had showed me something that was to come in my discipleship under Derrick.


The end of my testimony was that when God refines, He refines with fire. It is only when silver has been passed through extreme heat that the impurities are consumed and the pure, precious silver remains. 1Pet:1:6-7 "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Unwordy

This post is heavily summarized, and also excludes some details because of sensitivity issues. Just logging in my thoughts for future reference. It covers the period from the last entry till the end of exams.

Exam Period Sem 2/09

The entire two months have been a time of assignments, preparing for exams etc. Studying was a 7-day affair and it was a tiring time. Looking back, I'm telling myself not to regret anything but just be positive and appreciate the good things that happened. Lessons learnt too.

Once again I reflect on the need to depend on God for strength and not to take things into my own hands. Studying is a personal responsibility I guess but a growing daily relationship with God can really strengthen and shape your ability in studies.

Judah 7

It has been a blessing to have been led to Judah 7, and I have loved the time spent with J7. The spirit of love and care is undying. Would like to build on the bible study and spiritual aspects, and also a more healthy spiritual fellowship. Sadly there'll be some changes in J7, with some really core members graduating and others going to be shifted to other cell groups.

Otherwise, my first year with J7 has been a good time of creating in me a heart of servanthood. Being faithful in serving in little aspects and doing small tasks really showed me how the cell group is built on some core values and principles but also plastered bound and made complete with the 'small things'.

There's other things I could say, but I'll cautiously reserve them to privileged persons not on this blog.

Growth Formula

Some time in the midst of this period I was also struggling with personal weaknesses, and I became aware of the need for accountability + commitment in my life. I found myself growing a little here and there in several aspects but without a sense of completion, of reaching a certain point. I guess the need to devote to an actual regime whilst remaining flexible was what I was lacking in.

so much for this post for now...

Time Lapse Part III

Today is 19 Oct. It's 19 days to the final exams, with 4 days deduction for the Political Science take-home exam. I have a total of 4 final papers over 11 days. But i'm looking forward to the end of it too - my long summer break back home in Singapore.

The econs test went bad - what can I expect, I studied 40 minute before it - and passed! Less work to worry about in the week, and experiencing a lot of inertia to getting started revising for the exams. Maybe I'm getting complacent or I just don't realize what's in store for me. Tonight is the time to sit down and really plan out my revision (was originally Saturday night, but I ended up at Jon's for dinner).

Looking forward to the Nikon moments after that too, when I can further my photographic interest and skill, and really turn this into a hobby. Have yet to find fellow photographers, hopefully Nikon users to share ideas, equipment, lenses and enjoy photography with. So far I've found that Michelle Leong (also a law student) has a growing interest, plus she might be taking over her dad's Nikon D300.

Michelle with her D70

In fact just last weekend we traded gear for a week, so she could enjoy using my D90 and 35mm lens, and I could try using something different. Didn't like the D70 though, the viewfinder was pretty small and her screen was the size of my thumb. Furthermore her camera's a pretty old model and doesn't shoot like the D90 does. Taught me to appreciate (not that I don't already do) how good a camera the D90 is.

Service yesterday was much better than the usual. A very wonderful sermon delivered by Pastor Lai Ling. She opened the service with healing for some who the Spirit guided her to pray for, for things like insomnia, ear infection, etc. Someone had ringing of the ears, but I thought to myself that it was probably due to the praise and worship (heh heh).

Her message was titled 'Diligently Godly', part of the 1 Timothy series. The part that I took most was about being whole-hearted. 1Tim4:16 "..give yourself wholly...". Ps86:11 asks God for an undivided heart. So the question we need to ask ourselves often, if not every day, is "Are there areas that I have not surrendered unto God?" I know the areas I haven't surrendered. And I'm trying; a complete surrender is an easy life to live but not an easy thing to achieve, and when you finally do, the outcome is a real reward.

More issues about the PnW, plastic flowers once again, which I shall not elaborate on but basically, I'm getting to understand it more and more as the situation continues and I feel a stronger urge to make the change; beginning with the plank in my eye, then the worshippers around me, then the cell group, eventually the church (if it happens that quickly and I'm around long enough).

Time Lapse Part II

So following JG advance I came back to work on my constitutional law assignment, which in the end turned out to be easy, yet not straightforward. I felt that it wasn't very well done, but it was not worthwhile to spend much more time than I did on it. On hindsight, the assignment being optional, I should not have submitted it.

Swee's visit
Swee is Si Yi's friend from jc days who's coming next semester to study after he ORDs. He's also my housemate for next year and a new friend. Over the next 5 days, I slept on aggregate 4 hours a night.

On Wednesday 30 September, Swee touched down. We took him to see the uni grounds that day, and at night went to Portside Wharf for dinner with Jeremy. Thursday morning I went to collect a rental car (my car was lent to Diane, who is underaged to rent).

Thursday afternoon was the fashion photoshoot (i'll talk about this later) and Les Miserables at night. A production clearly short of the standard of, perhaps, Broadway etc however I appreciated the individual talents and the story. Had a good chat with Swee that night at home (he stayed with me during the 4 days).

Friday: Fashion shoot II - Outdoors in Fortitude Valley (Chinatown), also talked about later. Cell, then home again. Saturday: Took Swee to the West End market, walked around West End (which is a hippie-ish district, lots of bakeries, cafes, etc. An Australian Bugis-Arab St etc. area. Saturday night was the church's 16th anniversary service, which was very packed with performances. Dance and song. Somehow, I managed to bring myself to ignore the plastic flowers and really worshipped. But I could sense the grief of the Holy Spirit in the way the singing and dancing were not unto God. Took Swee to Pancake Manors after that for a final night before he flew off in the morning.

Fashion Shoots
This came suddenly. I was at JG advance walking out of the dining hall to the bunks, wanting to call it a night and sleep early when suddenly Rachel Mok and Naomi call me and ask if I'd like to help them with a fashion shoot. I was quite stunned, firstly because fashion's a really difficult area of photography and because I've only picked up photography for 4 months. Nonetheless I agreed. I decided I would give them my best effort and be a blessing to them.
Getting home from the retreat, I did some homework: Fashion blogs, tips, even borrowed magazines from Jacqulin to understand the style and techniques. One necessary piece of equipment was a reflector, but just a small one would cost $40. I decided to improvise and headed to Kmart to pick up two car windshield reflectors for $5 each. I cleaned my lenses, cleared my memory cards, charged both batteries, prepared my tripod.

Auto Reflector

Getting there, I only knew the bosses. I'd just been introduced to Gerald, the other photographer (and web designer) at the retreat. There was no introduction for me and the 'models'. I set up, panicking because the lights at David's (not my brother) home were orange lights and the living room was really small. We improvised by turning on all the lights, but that cast too many shadows too. I even got Michelle to fetch her flash gun, and even that didn't work out too well.

 The poor lighting - Frederick on left, David on right

Flash didn't help - Mal

Stacey

After an hour, I said a small prayer in desperation, and changed my lens to the new lens. This was a complete turnaround. The lens gave much better results, sharper outlines, softened the background. The pictures still aren't professional standard, but I guess it's the best I could deliver with the resources. Although I wasn't able to stand as far from the model as would have been ideal, the pictures were sharp and clear.

Winnie was quite naturally photogenic

Cool guy Frederick cannot smile - it spoils his look

 

Mal, Josh (talented singer!), Winnie

Now some of the models were commenting that I ought to be a model and not a photographer. I told them I couldn't because I'm camera shy and I can't smile or pose. And I have a terrible posture. And I don't like having my picture taken. And here's another reason:

I'm never serious before a lens.

Pretty good pose though. Makes the legs look long.

Day 2 was the outdoor shoot - Much more fun, and at first I thought the sun would give us some bad shadows and lighting but turned out... not too bad. We shot at a sideroad, a narrow alley, a train station and an old 5-foot-way.

A week later on a Friday I worked on shooting the earrings for them, a very tedious process and took up the entire morning and afternoon before I headed to cell. Here's some of them:

Once again I'm thankful for the macro lens that my father entrusted to me along with the camera and lenses.

More in the next post; this took long to get up.

Time Lapse Part I

Alright, it's been about two weeks since I last blogged and some may wonder what's happened to me. I will summarize the happenings in three parts. Part I pertains to the pre-mid sem break craziness of assignment rushing and the econs test. Part II is the mid sem break itself (not quite a break; passed in a blink). Part III is about the end of the break and a sorting out of my confused mind.

PART I
So the last time I blogged was about True Love Waits on Monday Sept 21. In the week that followed, I rushed out my Political Science assignment. Worked through the night; finished it an hour before deadline in Si Yi's living room. Problems printing; it was out 40 mins before deadline. Rushed to uni, submitted the assignment with 5 minutes to spare. 
Began studying for econs test which was to follow in 60 mins. (terrible, i know. By grace I passed the test.) I had just found out 2 hrs before from David that it wasn't MCQ like I thought, and he wrote out a 'cheat sheet' for me. That sheet saved me, somewhat. What I learn from that experience is that (1) Econ1020 IS important. (2) It's darn easy. Study 1 hr before still can pass. (3) Since it's so easy, I ought to be doing really well in it.
After the test: dinner with Derrick (at this point I was about to pass out; hadn't slept for two nights and running a flu cos of the dust storm). We had a good chat about some of our concerns, thoughts, but it's all pretty confidential (though I remember the topics... I forgot about two thirds of what was said. Sorry, Derrick!). The night did not end there (to my dismay). Jon's household required manpower to move their new fridge, so there I was and turned out that only David + me + 1 other was enough for the job (For Honour and Glory, Ready to Strike). Reaching home was a joyful reunion with the bed.

Some pictures of the dust storm:

These shots were taken from my phone camera (pretty decent for a tiny little thing like that). Too bad I didn't have the D90 with me; these pictures do violence to the dramatic Armageddon feel of the storm. Pastor joked that Sunday about 'It's the End of the World! Jesus, take me!' gaaah! *Levitates*. -I just remembered, this is called the Rapture-



So that was Wednesday-Thursday. Friday I left for Nudgee on the JG Advance getaway. Refreshing experience; I really recovered my rest and had a good break there re-dedicating myself and seeking God. Some sharing within those from J7 who were there too.

Joy and Adeline

Joy prayed for me during the second night's ministry. Helped me regain perspective on God's direction for me.

  

 
The campsite had a nice man-made lake behind it with a trail around the exterior. Took a walk there with Adeline, Rachel Mok, Bernard Tang.

The big hollowed stump

Which I jumped into and Rachel took this pretty good shot

 

See how Bernard dwarfs Rachel

 

A bridge too

 

Eileen's pet Wallaby

 

See how tame it is? She's standing right over it!

 

Judah 7's Leaders, JGs and Tim Class members

Once again I had the honour of shooting the camp photo

 

My main takeaway from the getaway was:

1. Do not be easily shaken. Stand firm on your faith, or you do not stand at all: Isaiah 7:9; Luk21:19

2. It's God's will, not mine that will be done. Surrender to God.

3. Be still.

4. To obey is better than sacrifice. Micah 6:6-8; Joel2:13

5. Make myself available for God to use me. (this was confirmed today, 11 Oct 09 during my altar call at service).

And on that Friday before leaving, I was at the city with Si Yi and saw this:

This guy uses spray paints and round objects of various sizes to do his painting. Really beautiful work. I liked how he worked backward: painted the planets first, then the nearer one, then the asteroid-looking things, then the perspective of the planet we're supposed viewing it from. Vivid, blending colours.

OK so that's the first weekend. Stay tuned for the next part.

Tired Blog

Been really tiring, and I'm just looking forward to the break coming this weekend. Signed myself up to the JG Advance getaway without really knowing why. Uncertain as to whether it is my calling to enter this ministry. Struggled a bit with a discouraging remark by a brother but decided that it's insignificant and unrelated to God's plans.

Had a fulfilling submission of the Torts assignment, now working frantically on the Political Science one which is due in... 48+ hours. 3000 words on a topic I've never experienced. What more a Level 2 course in it. *on a side note, Candace has just left the building, peace indeed*

True Love Waits
The reason I bring this topic is hinted in my wishlist. But to be more obvious:

Looks like the words didn't show so clear - "True Love Waits"

The meaning of the phrase refers to abstinence/purity in the sense that we keep ourselves from indulging in physical pleasures that gratify our fleshly desires when the season of our lives do not call for such gratifications.

Our sexual desires are the very reason we desire a partner of the opposite sex to love, to be loved by, to spend most of a lifetime with. It is the basis of all other 'innocent' physical desires all the way down to hand-holding. Very importantly, it is programmed into us by God to fulfill his command to 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.' - Gen1:28

Hebrews 13:4 says 'Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.' Biblically, the physcial union of man and woman is a very sacred thing that is the exclusive privilege of a complete union (legally, spiritually, socially etc) in the form of marriage. The struggle we face is in controlling this desire; though our conscience and intellect, even our mental resolve is for purity, our physical bodies somehow come in the 'back doors' and tell us otherwise. (Some say it is the voice of the Devil. Though I doubt the Devil can speak to us louder than God can, unless of course we asked to listen to him.)

Some couples take it for granted that they will be married anyway, and short-circuit the process by engaging in all forms of intimacy before they actually get married. Although they do marry later on, the beauty of the marriage is lost because a very key reward has been redeemed in advance. (Ever watched a film where the best scene was in the trailer and the film had no more impact?) The thrill and magic is lost, and there seems nothing special about getting married. The reason we guard our purity is to 'save up' the pleasure for the right time, when the Day comes that we have been pronounced 'husband and wife' and we can reap the reward of our patience and self-control.

To mellow down these warnings, I suggest that these principles apply to 'lesser forms' of intimacy. In relationships, abstaining from any intimate activity is in fact saving it up for marriage. In our modern culture and social norm, it seems acceptable to be very liberal about how far we can go before it seems 'too close'. There is a pretence, a refusal to acknowledge that the slightest form of intimacy is still intimacy. There is difficulty also in identifying levels of intimacy, because it is big, broad gray zone between strangers and lovers, and this zone can be crossed within any length of time (consider how fast a man can engage a prostitute).

Another problem is Sunday-School teaching to 'not have sex'. This is a correct statement, but it seems insufficient to simply indicate the red zone and lay it open to interpretation where the orange, yellow and white zones are (and the zones are not so clearly marked at all). The attitude should not be one of 'how far can I go before it is too far?' but rather 'how far away from danger can I stay and yet be able to express my love in a pure way?'


There is so much more to this topic; time is always a limiting factor. But if I were to sum it up, to say 'True Love Waits' is an encouragement to be patient in abstinence and the battle with desire; for there is a greater reward than previews and stolen samples.