Time Lapse Part III

Today is 19 Oct. It's 19 days to the final exams, with 4 days deduction for the Political Science take-home exam. I have a total of 4 final papers over 11 days. But i'm looking forward to the end of it too - my long summer break back home in Singapore.

The econs test went bad - what can I expect, I studied 40 minute before it - and passed! Less work to worry about in the week, and experiencing a lot of inertia to getting started revising for the exams. Maybe I'm getting complacent or I just don't realize what's in store for me. Tonight is the time to sit down and really plan out my revision (was originally Saturday night, but I ended up at Jon's for dinner).

Looking forward to the Nikon moments after that too, when I can further my photographic interest and skill, and really turn this into a hobby. Have yet to find fellow photographers, hopefully Nikon users to share ideas, equipment, lenses and enjoy photography with. So far I've found that Michelle Leong (also a law student) has a growing interest, plus she might be taking over her dad's Nikon D300.

Michelle with her D70

In fact just last weekend we traded gear for a week, so she could enjoy using my D90 and 35mm lens, and I could try using something different. Didn't like the D70 though, the viewfinder was pretty small and her screen was the size of my thumb. Furthermore her camera's a pretty old model and doesn't shoot like the D90 does. Taught me to appreciate (not that I don't already do) how good a camera the D90 is.

Service yesterday was much better than the usual. A very wonderful sermon delivered by Pastor Lai Ling. She opened the service with healing for some who the Spirit guided her to pray for, for things like insomnia, ear infection, etc. Someone had ringing of the ears, but I thought to myself that it was probably due to the praise and worship (heh heh).

Her message was titled 'Diligently Godly', part of the 1 Timothy series. The part that I took most was about being whole-hearted. 1Tim4:16 "..give yourself wholly...". Ps86:11 asks God for an undivided heart. So the question we need to ask ourselves often, if not every day, is "Are there areas that I have not surrendered unto God?" I know the areas I haven't surrendered. And I'm trying; a complete surrender is an easy life to live but not an easy thing to achieve, and when you finally do, the outcome is a real reward.

More issues about the PnW, plastic flowers once again, which I shall not elaborate on but basically, I'm getting to understand it more and more as the situation continues and I feel a stronger urge to make the change; beginning with the plank in my eye, then the worshippers around me, then the cell group, eventually the church (if it happens that quickly and I'm around long enough).

Time Lapse Part II

So following JG advance I came back to work on my constitutional law assignment, which in the end turned out to be easy, yet not straightforward. I felt that it wasn't very well done, but it was not worthwhile to spend much more time than I did on it. On hindsight, the assignment being optional, I should not have submitted it.

Swee's visit
Swee is Si Yi's friend from jc days who's coming next semester to study after he ORDs. He's also my housemate for next year and a new friend. Over the next 5 days, I slept on aggregate 4 hours a night.

On Wednesday 30 September, Swee touched down. We took him to see the uni grounds that day, and at night went to Portside Wharf for dinner with Jeremy. Thursday morning I went to collect a rental car (my car was lent to Diane, who is underaged to rent).

Thursday afternoon was the fashion photoshoot (i'll talk about this later) and Les Miserables at night. A production clearly short of the standard of, perhaps, Broadway etc however I appreciated the individual talents and the story. Had a good chat with Swee that night at home (he stayed with me during the 4 days).

Friday: Fashion shoot II - Outdoors in Fortitude Valley (Chinatown), also talked about later. Cell, then home again. Saturday: Took Swee to the West End market, walked around West End (which is a hippie-ish district, lots of bakeries, cafes, etc. An Australian Bugis-Arab St etc. area. Saturday night was the church's 16th anniversary service, which was very packed with performances. Dance and song. Somehow, I managed to bring myself to ignore the plastic flowers and really worshipped. But I could sense the grief of the Holy Spirit in the way the singing and dancing were not unto God. Took Swee to Pancake Manors after that for a final night before he flew off in the morning.

Fashion Shoots
This came suddenly. I was at JG advance walking out of the dining hall to the bunks, wanting to call it a night and sleep early when suddenly Rachel Mok and Naomi call me and ask if I'd like to help them with a fashion shoot. I was quite stunned, firstly because fashion's a really difficult area of photography and because I've only picked up photography for 4 months. Nonetheless I agreed. I decided I would give them my best effort and be a blessing to them.
Getting home from the retreat, I did some homework: Fashion blogs, tips, even borrowed magazines from Jacqulin to understand the style and techniques. One necessary piece of equipment was a reflector, but just a small one would cost $40. I decided to improvise and headed to Kmart to pick up two car windshield reflectors for $5 each. I cleaned my lenses, cleared my memory cards, charged both batteries, prepared my tripod.

Auto Reflector

Getting there, I only knew the bosses. I'd just been introduced to Gerald, the other photographer (and web designer) at the retreat. There was no introduction for me and the 'models'. I set up, panicking because the lights at David's (not my brother) home were orange lights and the living room was really small. We improvised by turning on all the lights, but that cast too many shadows too. I even got Michelle to fetch her flash gun, and even that didn't work out too well.

 The poor lighting - Frederick on left, David on right

Flash didn't help - Mal

Stacey

After an hour, I said a small prayer in desperation, and changed my lens to the new lens. This was a complete turnaround. The lens gave much better results, sharper outlines, softened the background. The pictures still aren't professional standard, but I guess it's the best I could deliver with the resources. Although I wasn't able to stand as far from the model as would have been ideal, the pictures were sharp and clear.

Winnie was quite naturally photogenic

Cool guy Frederick cannot smile - it spoils his look

 

Mal, Josh (talented singer!), Winnie

Now some of the models were commenting that I ought to be a model and not a photographer. I told them I couldn't because I'm camera shy and I can't smile or pose. And I have a terrible posture. And I don't like having my picture taken. And here's another reason:

I'm never serious before a lens.

Pretty good pose though. Makes the legs look long.

Day 2 was the outdoor shoot - Much more fun, and at first I thought the sun would give us some bad shadows and lighting but turned out... not too bad. We shot at a sideroad, a narrow alley, a train station and an old 5-foot-way.

A week later on a Friday I worked on shooting the earrings for them, a very tedious process and took up the entire morning and afternoon before I headed to cell. Here's some of them:

Once again I'm thankful for the macro lens that my father entrusted to me along with the camera and lenses.

More in the next post; this took long to get up.

Time Lapse Part I

Alright, it's been about two weeks since I last blogged and some may wonder what's happened to me. I will summarize the happenings in three parts. Part I pertains to the pre-mid sem break craziness of assignment rushing and the econs test. Part II is the mid sem break itself (not quite a break; passed in a blink). Part III is about the end of the break and a sorting out of my confused mind.

PART I
So the last time I blogged was about True Love Waits on Monday Sept 21. In the week that followed, I rushed out my Political Science assignment. Worked through the night; finished it an hour before deadline in Si Yi's living room. Problems printing; it was out 40 mins before deadline. Rushed to uni, submitted the assignment with 5 minutes to spare. 
Began studying for econs test which was to follow in 60 mins. (terrible, i know. By grace I passed the test.) I had just found out 2 hrs before from David that it wasn't MCQ like I thought, and he wrote out a 'cheat sheet' for me. That sheet saved me, somewhat. What I learn from that experience is that (1) Econ1020 IS important. (2) It's darn easy. Study 1 hr before still can pass. (3) Since it's so easy, I ought to be doing really well in it.
After the test: dinner with Derrick (at this point I was about to pass out; hadn't slept for two nights and running a flu cos of the dust storm). We had a good chat about some of our concerns, thoughts, but it's all pretty confidential (though I remember the topics... I forgot about two thirds of what was said. Sorry, Derrick!). The night did not end there (to my dismay). Jon's household required manpower to move their new fridge, so there I was and turned out that only David + me + 1 other was enough for the job (For Honour and Glory, Ready to Strike). Reaching home was a joyful reunion with the bed.

Some pictures of the dust storm:

These shots were taken from my phone camera (pretty decent for a tiny little thing like that). Too bad I didn't have the D90 with me; these pictures do violence to the dramatic Armageddon feel of the storm. Pastor joked that Sunday about 'It's the End of the World! Jesus, take me!' gaaah! *Levitates*. -I just remembered, this is called the Rapture-



So that was Wednesday-Thursday. Friday I left for Nudgee on the JG Advance getaway. Refreshing experience; I really recovered my rest and had a good break there re-dedicating myself and seeking God. Some sharing within those from J7 who were there too.

Joy and Adeline

Joy prayed for me during the second night's ministry. Helped me regain perspective on God's direction for me.

  

 
The campsite had a nice man-made lake behind it with a trail around the exterior. Took a walk there with Adeline, Rachel Mok, Bernard Tang.

The big hollowed stump

Which I jumped into and Rachel took this pretty good shot

 

See how Bernard dwarfs Rachel

 

A bridge too

 

Eileen's pet Wallaby

 

See how tame it is? She's standing right over it!

 

Judah 7's Leaders, JGs and Tim Class members

Once again I had the honour of shooting the camp photo

 

My main takeaway from the getaway was:

1. Do not be easily shaken. Stand firm on your faith, or you do not stand at all: Isaiah 7:9; Luk21:19

2. It's God's will, not mine that will be done. Surrender to God.

3. Be still.

4. To obey is better than sacrifice. Micah 6:6-8; Joel2:13

5. Make myself available for God to use me. (this was confirmed today, 11 Oct 09 during my altar call at service).

And on that Friday before leaving, I was at the city with Si Yi and saw this:

This guy uses spray paints and round objects of various sizes to do his painting. Really beautiful work. I liked how he worked backward: painted the planets first, then the nearer one, then the asteroid-looking things, then the perspective of the planet we're supposed viewing it from. Vivid, blending colours.

OK so that's the first weekend. Stay tuned for the next part.

Tired Blog

Been really tiring, and I'm just looking forward to the break coming this weekend. Signed myself up to the JG Advance getaway without really knowing why. Uncertain as to whether it is my calling to enter this ministry. Struggled a bit with a discouraging remark by a brother but decided that it's insignificant and unrelated to God's plans.

Had a fulfilling submission of the Torts assignment, now working frantically on the Political Science one which is due in... 48+ hours. 3000 words on a topic I've never experienced. What more a Level 2 course in it. *on a side note, Candace has just left the building, peace indeed*

True Love Waits
The reason I bring this topic is hinted in my wishlist. But to be more obvious:

Looks like the words didn't show so clear - "True Love Waits"

The meaning of the phrase refers to abstinence/purity in the sense that we keep ourselves from indulging in physical pleasures that gratify our fleshly desires when the season of our lives do not call for such gratifications.

Our sexual desires are the very reason we desire a partner of the opposite sex to love, to be loved by, to spend most of a lifetime with. It is the basis of all other 'innocent' physical desires all the way down to hand-holding. Very importantly, it is programmed into us by God to fulfill his command to 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.' - Gen1:28

Hebrews 13:4 says 'Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.' Biblically, the physcial union of man and woman is a very sacred thing that is the exclusive privilege of a complete union (legally, spiritually, socially etc) in the form of marriage. The struggle we face is in controlling this desire; though our conscience and intellect, even our mental resolve is for purity, our physical bodies somehow come in the 'back doors' and tell us otherwise. (Some say it is the voice of the Devil. Though I doubt the Devil can speak to us louder than God can, unless of course we asked to listen to him.)

Some couples take it for granted that they will be married anyway, and short-circuit the process by engaging in all forms of intimacy before they actually get married. Although they do marry later on, the beauty of the marriage is lost because a very key reward has been redeemed in advance. (Ever watched a film where the best scene was in the trailer and the film had no more impact?) The thrill and magic is lost, and there seems nothing special about getting married. The reason we guard our purity is to 'save up' the pleasure for the right time, when the Day comes that we have been pronounced 'husband and wife' and we can reap the reward of our patience and self-control.

To mellow down these warnings, I suggest that these principles apply to 'lesser forms' of intimacy. In relationships, abstaining from any intimate activity is in fact saving it up for marriage. In our modern culture and social norm, it seems acceptable to be very liberal about how far we can go before it seems 'too close'. There is a pretence, a refusal to acknowledge that the slightest form of intimacy is still intimacy. There is difficulty also in identifying levels of intimacy, because it is big, broad gray zone between strangers and lovers, and this zone can be crossed within any length of time (consider how fast a man can engage a prostitute).

Another problem is Sunday-School teaching to 'not have sex'. This is a correct statement, but it seems insufficient to simply indicate the red zone and lay it open to interpretation where the orange, yellow and white zones are (and the zones are not so clearly marked at all). The attitude should not be one of 'how far can I go before it is too far?' but rather 'how far away from danger can I stay and yet be able to express my love in a pure way?'


There is so much more to this topic; time is always a limiting factor. But if I were to sum it up, to say 'True Love Waits' is an encouragement to be patient in abstinence and the battle with desire; for there is a greater reward than previews and stolen samples.

I Could Be Wrong

Phenomenon of Separation by Distance
Just a little thing I noticed. No names will be mentioned; no particular instances referred to. I'm just sharing my thoughts.

Desires
I believe that desires are like trees; you feed them, they grow. Some of them don't even exist until a seed is planted. A greedy desire for money doesn't grow until the person has first had a taste of more money than he needs, and wants more. A desire to do better than other students (not a bad thing, necessarily) does not grow until the student has had some success and begins to want more.

A man's desire for a woman doesn't grow until he first comes into contact with her. As more time is spent and they come into closer proximity, the desire grows. This one of the topics in the gender empowerment event of Hope Brisbane, wherein the sisters were brought to awareness of how their innocent charm, honest beauty and wholesome personalities [all this, of course, is perceived by the man who desires for her] can cause brothers to stumble.

What I theorize is that when a man has entered into a relationship with a woman, this desire grows. Each level of involvement swells into longing for more. Wanting to walk side by side becomes wanting to sit together; to holding hands; to holding her shoulder; to waist......

I then follow by establishing that a man who is in a relationship has activated this desire; a man who is out of 'romantic' contact with any female has less of such a desire; or the desire is dormant. Are monks and priests completely free of such desire for a female, then? Not completely, but as compared to a man who indulges in female proximity, such as a party-going womanizer, their urge is tranquilized by years (or a lifetime) of refraining and much more docile.

Self-Control
What then if a man in a relationship is separated from his partner by distance? Work sends him overseas (wherein executive begin to see mistresses/prostitutes); he returns to his home country to be with his parents (and the girl from his village who he used to play with in childhood)...... he goes overseas to pursue further education.

The desire still exists; he has a fleshly longing for female company. Without the partner around, what happens? Infidelity (note the title of today's post though). Whilst his heart or mind still remains on his partner, does his physical desire stray?


I have noticed several friends (and friends of friends) in this situation; their longing soon has to satisfy itself in the females they meet here. Often not a single female, but several who they are 'close friends' with. Once again, I could be wrong. But actions do not lie; body language does not lie; eyes can lie (but an eye for eyes can distinguish a glance and a glance).

I will stop elaboration here.

What I must reflect on is the need for men to treat their sisters with love; to use them as a stand-in source of attention when the partner is out of reach is not loving. Soon it will cause the sister to stumble as well. This is an unpleasant topic, but I must address it in my reflection. It is a topic that is comfortably communicated when one has a clear conscience. It is something that we must be accountable for towards ourselves, towards others, the loved ones who trust us, and God.

"Live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit is what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want." Gal5:16-17

Burning the Candle too Fast
I seem to be thinking of candles a lot lately. But this has to do with spiritual growth; I reflected that I might be having too anxious a desire for spiritual growth. This causes a rapid upshoot but is unsustainable; eventually I will fall back, not to where I started, but a fall nonetheless. This is similar to the economics of diminishing marginal returns plus fluctuation.

Another analogy: Saving money. We could suddenly want to rack up huge savings and decide we'll have bread and water 'from now on' so that we can save a certain truckload by x number of months. This is also unsustainable; saving is a faithful consistent setting-aside of a disciplined amount that grows over years.

I was reminded of the seeds that were sown on rocky places (Matt13:5) which 'sprang up quickly because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root.'


Therefore, eagerly desire growth, and spiritual gifts (1Cor12:31), but in a faithful, consistent daily manner. Give your growth time also to take root, that you may grow consistently. This is being like the seed planted in good soil that grows, eventually bearing fruit 30, 60 and 100-fold.

End notes: Sorry I really can't take time to add photos to make this make aesthetically appealing, believe me I would love to do so. This week I will face two assignments and an econs test; expect another 7 days of silence. The addition of 3 posts in 2 nights should be enough to view for now.

Prepare for a long post. Get yourself a drink and cookies.

Riverfire
This was Saturday night. I had actually been really inclined to stay home because I was so tired after the exam; in fact the night before I had difficulty getting to sleep because of my anxiety and overslept 45 mins; reducing the time I had to do some final memory work before leaving for the exam. After the exam, I was ready to end my day go sleep the afternoon away. Eventually we spent the afternoon catching up on the lecture we missed.

I thought of the severe crowding at Southbank: one of the things on my 'hate' list, though I seldom get feelings of hatred, only dispreference. I thought of the fireworks: been there done that. I thought of the Nikon moment: YES OK OK i'll go. But the tripod stayed home; I could only shoot hand-held and on full manual; therefore picture quality is less than preferable.

I took 5.5GB worth of pictures and videos. Trigger-happy. Or rather shutter-happy. [Take note that I shot in jpeg+RAW format, meaning only 2GB is the actual 500+ pictures and 10+ videos.] The D90 is among the best sub-pro SLRs on the market. First SLR in the world to feature video mode. Met Priscilla from Judah 5 who's much more experienced than me (I decided to take up this hobby seriously in June) and learned a little more.

Verdict: Riverfire's works were nicer than NDP for the works themselves, but the music was tasteless (what with Pokerface, Pink's 'start a fight' song, etc. radio hits). Also the fly-overs of the two fighter jets was more like a final taking to the air before they were de-commissioned; NDP's air show would be among the best the world would see.

Photos and video will have to wait; I am tight on time. This post is already on borrowed time.

Plastic Flowers
Perhaps it was my fatigue that dragged till today; I got 4.5 hours of sleep due to getting home late, a long time online and having to leave early to give 'supervise' Michelle's driving practise (which was in fact not life-threatening, unlike Si Yi's driving). The rest of the afternoon was spent at the Timothy class [touching on 3 of the church's core values: Life-giving community, Christ-centred living and being Vision-focused]; lunch with Adeline and Rachel [two very entertaining and hilarious sisters from Judah 7] and a short time doing a tutorial at the library before service.
I might have just konked in service had it not been for the complimentary latte at lunch.

The seed of the struggle was actually growing since the first day I joined Hope Brisbane; I am in disagreement with the worship ministry. This takes bearing from my worship background; humble, disciplined yet highly gifted and dedicated youths who worship in spirit and in truth (John4:23) and who had synergy and unity no matter who made up the band.

I attribute the bulk of my struggle to myself: 1. Pride; 2. Being a musician. Pride is what makes me have a deep feeling of wanting to feel better than the musicians up front. The feeling of wanting to ferret out their misgivings, wanting to judge their heart-states and wanting to feel more musically 'correct' than them. Being a musician, I am extra sensitive to the wrong chords, the MANY wrong notes (I say this without hesitation, it's a fact) of a particular lead guitarist, the faltering out of tune of the singing, lapses in timing, the guitar that had its A and G strings flat out of tune.. an endless list of 'this-is-wrong'. [But seriously, who puts an F# in a C major when it's not a transition from F to G?? The song was in F too.]

How does this affect me?

I get distracted. I get overwhelmed by the loud music and showy nature of their music, the rock-show style, the dancing and gestures that seem influenced by live videos and concerts of secular stars. I get highly critical of the elaborate (yet unpolished) introductions to the songs, the noisy (yet uncoordinated) combination, the over-playing and over-singing. Timothy Ong refers to such unnecessary musical insertions as "flowers". Triple-strikes of cymbals; double-strums of guitars; scale-runs on the bass (really unskillfully anyway); the disease of the high D and G of many church-born guitarists... [See how I am judging others?]

Over and over again, I think of the verse in Isaiah 29:13 (see 'the shepherd picks up his sheep' from last week). 'These people come near to me with their mouth and honour me with their lips; but their heart is far from me.' I question: Who are they singing their loud songs for? The raised hands and clapping, the crunched faces: for who to see? Do the lyrics really proclaim their faith? I had coined the term 'self-centred worship' when someone and I were talking about songs from that band (identity protection).[See how I continue to judge?]

If I could just cross my arms, scoff and leave the service, it would be easy. I wouldn't be in this struggle. However, I am devoted to serving this church. My philosophy is "I'm not here for the church to grow me. I'm here to grow this church." I feel the conviction to make the change; to sow seeds of true worship.

The rest of the service, I was critical of every detail. In a way it was good because I really appreciated what Han said as part of the communion about realizing the magnitude of our sin and the suffering that Christ went through to give us Salvation. Only then can we realize how much God has given us. He referred to Luke 7, about a sinful woman who washed Jesus' feet with tears, wiped them with her hair, and poured perfume on them. His words to Simon Peter were this: 'Her many sins have been forgiven-for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.' - Luke 7:47

Pastor Wen An's message was a very good reminder to live lives of Godliness. To have the decent conduct not as an affair of hypocrisy but as an outer expression of the inner condition (he used different words, I'm being stingy with words).

Derrick gave us a very encouraging affirmation of the message, tied with his own motto of pursuit of Holiness. To live our lives in complete righteousness, to give the devil no foothold, to disallow sin from separating us from God.

We had a dinner in honour of Cristal's birthday being today, and I had another shutter-happy time. Stay tuned; many photos and videos in f/1.8 waiting for processing (when I have the hours to spare.)

Candle? What candle?

AF-S 35mm f/1.8 DX
May I begin this post with thanks to my father for buying this lens for me. To those who have no idea what the numbers above mean, it means this lens is able to open up a wide aperture, giving a shallow depth of field which means that only objects at a specific distance from the camera are in focus, and everything else is softened, or out-of-focus:

Public Law Exam
Since the last post a week ago, I have been facing this exam. Although there were only 7 broad topics, the subject, in all character of a law subject, has plenty to be read.

To begin with, I had spent Sunday clearing up work of all the other subjects so that the whole week was dedicated to Public Law. Monday and Tuesday I focused on reading the textbook; and when I turned up to lecture on Wednesday, our professor told us that the very chapters I'd studied were not tested. This is a loss of 2 days.

I began to struggle in the next three days. I was unable to focus in reading; I'd sit for 30 to 60 minutes staring at text and none of it registered. I tried speed reading, I tried copying, I tried making side notes, I tried sleeping and getting back to it. Nothing worked. I prayed and prayed, and nothing happened.
What was happening to me? I knew that I was not a strong reader, but this was really ridiculously below my minimum studying performance.  Had I burned out again?

I knew that I am supposed to depend on God in all things, and I have kept that in heart and mind. The thought running through my head was: Is God going to reduce me to complete weakness, to make me fall so that He can catch me? As this season gets increasingly trying, I know I am being stretched.

I could only turn up to the exam with what little had made sense to me for all the hours of fruitless labour, with no courage to be faithful or hopeful.

The exam itself was easy; it was a year one exam with no perusal time and only 75 minutes for 3 questions. The topic was not elusive; although it was hard to be certain which topics were within the scope of the questions because of the broad inter-relatedness between all of them such as parliamentary sovereignty, constitutionalism, judicial review, bill of rights, federation, rule of law...

I could only write out a bit of what I knew; the answers seemed short and lacking. If it offers any comfort I know that for the last question I had raised a point that few others would have thought of.

There is nothing that can be done now but to pray: the paper is in the hands of the examiner. I can only ask for a fair marking. More importantly, the command to give thanks in all circumstances, and look forward to the next few weeks of assignments and the not-so-distant final exams.

I Walk By Faith
Last Saturday I was at the CityCat terminal at West End before going to the market, and I saw this lady on a motorized wheelchair, alone. Not much to notice, though she seemed to be able to move only one hand to control the joystick of the motorized cheer. Her short limbs and stout torso suggested that she had been unable to move on her own since young, possibly from birth.

I overheard as she flagged a bus. Without turning around, I heard the exchange:
Driver: 'You're lucky this week, huh.'
Lady: 'Yup. Always am.'
Driver: 'Any other driver wouldn't have stopped, lucky I did.'
Lady: 'God knew I was coming today.'

The driver proceeds to open the wheelchair ramp for her to get on.

Lady: 'I'm getting off at the stop before Central Station.'
Driver: 'Sure thing.'

This simple faith, the dependence on God really spoke to me. I reflected on how I was doing a lot of things by the ability of my hands, legs and mind. This lady, who could depend on only her right hand to move her wheelchair and her mouth to speak, lived completely by faith that God would bring her to the next place and provide her every need. Did I depend on God in the same way?

This brings back Prov 3:5-6 all over again.

Devoted

 Our Getaway Venue

Devoted was the title of the sub-district getaway at Burleigh Heads. It was very short for me, only Saturday evening to Sunday morning, so it's more than a workshop and less than a camp. I managed to catch one cell sharing session, one night of message and ministry and the closing service. Also missed the afternoon's visit to the beach. Drats.

While I was there I was particularly heavy-hearted, physically moderate but spiritually tired. I have been questioning the silence; what is it I am doing/not doing that keeps me from coming closer to God? It became clearer after the ministry time and a talk with Derrick.

The Shepherd picks up his Sheep
Derrick really put things into light for me on Saturday night. We began with me telling him how tired I was from spending 60-90 minutes every morning without hearing from God or coming close to Him. This was notwithstanding Joy's message about falling in love with God; coming close to God and Him coming close to us (Jam4:8). Am I not turning my eyes upon Him? Am I, when in prayer, really just talking to myself and not to God? This would mean not having a listening ear to God as well.

Derrick told me about how most great preachers and ministers go through a period of silence; and those are times when God always had a purpose for silence. A humbling, a refining and strengthening are all part of it. He told me that it is to build our perseverance (Rom5:3-4, Jam1:2-4, Heb10:36).

Sin (I have been overcoming a LOT of them for the past 11 months) is a possibility; unforgiveness and pride are the first two that I find in myself.

I could be taking a wrong approach to God as well. A very enlightening point that he picked up from a sermon was about how seeking God can become idolatry: When a worshipper is more focused on feeling God's presence and wanting to feel moved without wanting to actually listen to what God wants to place in his heart.

The example I saw was in songs of praise and worship. Some people get so caught up with the songs, singing them because they love the songs and not God. Isaiah29:13 'These people come near to me with their mouth and honour me with their lips; but their heart is far from me...' This same principle can apply to all forms of ministry and anything that we do in the context of the Church.

I told Derrick I have been continuing to grow in knowledge of scripture and Christian teachings; but he told me that the desire for knowledge can also be idolatry. I could get so caught up wanting to know Christian teachings but without wanting to know God better. I fail to remember where it was in the Bible that spoke of people who build up their knowledge but in doing so fail to seek God.

There is danger in seeking knowledge alone and not drawing to God: Prov26:12 'Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.' -Pride. Jere8:9 'The wise will be put to shame; they will be dismayed and trapped. Since they have rejected the word of the Lord, what kind of wisdom do they have?' I took this to mean that when someone thirsts for knowledge but doesn't apply it in his walk with God, then he is in fact acting against the very knowledge he has (and possibly preaches). This is a very real danger in my own life. [Zhangs; this is adding on to what you shared with me about reading the Word meaningfully]

Derrick really encouraged me that night; he said that the most important thing in coming close to God is the desire to know Him. He told me not to give up, to which I replied I can't even give up because I'm stuck in the gap between the old life I've left and the new life which is yet to come. ("Didididididi. Doors closing. Doors closing." Aaaah!) He encouraged me to persevere. If it is something wrong I am doing that is the cause of silence, then seek righteousness all the more. If it is God who chooses to be silent, rejoice (tyong told me this too).
 

Judah 7 (the small number that managed to go) L-R from bottom to top: David Lue, Charmaine, Derrick, Christine; Rose, Mathiew; Me, David Li, Eileen, Jon Phan, Jared; Joy, Adeline, Diana, Sean