Prepare for a long post. Get yourself a drink and cookies.

Riverfire
This was Saturday night. I had actually been really inclined to stay home because I was so tired after the exam; in fact the night before I had difficulty getting to sleep because of my anxiety and overslept 45 mins; reducing the time I had to do some final memory work before leaving for the exam. After the exam, I was ready to end my day go sleep the afternoon away. Eventually we spent the afternoon catching up on the lecture we missed.

I thought of the severe crowding at Southbank: one of the things on my 'hate' list, though I seldom get feelings of hatred, only dispreference. I thought of the fireworks: been there done that. I thought of the Nikon moment: YES OK OK i'll go. But the tripod stayed home; I could only shoot hand-held and on full manual; therefore picture quality is less than preferable.

I took 5.5GB worth of pictures and videos. Trigger-happy. Or rather shutter-happy. [Take note that I shot in jpeg+RAW format, meaning only 2GB is the actual 500+ pictures and 10+ videos.] The D90 is among the best sub-pro SLRs on the market. First SLR in the world to feature video mode. Met Priscilla from Judah 5 who's much more experienced than me (I decided to take up this hobby seriously in June) and learned a little more.

Verdict: Riverfire's works were nicer than NDP for the works themselves, but the music was tasteless (what with Pokerface, Pink's 'start a fight' song, etc. radio hits). Also the fly-overs of the two fighter jets was more like a final taking to the air before they were de-commissioned; NDP's air show would be among the best the world would see.

Photos and video will have to wait; I am tight on time. This post is already on borrowed time.

Plastic Flowers
Perhaps it was my fatigue that dragged till today; I got 4.5 hours of sleep due to getting home late, a long time online and having to leave early to give 'supervise' Michelle's driving practise (which was in fact not life-threatening, unlike Si Yi's driving). The rest of the afternoon was spent at the Timothy class [touching on 3 of the church's core values: Life-giving community, Christ-centred living and being Vision-focused]; lunch with Adeline and Rachel [two very entertaining and hilarious sisters from Judah 7] and a short time doing a tutorial at the library before service.
I might have just konked in service had it not been for the complimentary latte at lunch.

The seed of the struggle was actually growing since the first day I joined Hope Brisbane; I am in disagreement with the worship ministry. This takes bearing from my worship background; humble, disciplined yet highly gifted and dedicated youths who worship in spirit and in truth (John4:23) and who had synergy and unity no matter who made up the band.

I attribute the bulk of my struggle to myself: 1. Pride; 2. Being a musician. Pride is what makes me have a deep feeling of wanting to feel better than the musicians up front. The feeling of wanting to ferret out their misgivings, wanting to judge their heart-states and wanting to feel more musically 'correct' than them. Being a musician, I am extra sensitive to the wrong chords, the MANY wrong notes (I say this without hesitation, it's a fact) of a particular lead guitarist, the faltering out of tune of the singing, lapses in timing, the guitar that had its A and G strings flat out of tune.. an endless list of 'this-is-wrong'. [But seriously, who puts an F# in a C major when it's not a transition from F to G?? The song was in F too.]

How does this affect me?

I get distracted. I get overwhelmed by the loud music and showy nature of their music, the rock-show style, the dancing and gestures that seem influenced by live videos and concerts of secular stars. I get highly critical of the elaborate (yet unpolished) introductions to the songs, the noisy (yet uncoordinated) combination, the over-playing and over-singing. Timothy Ong refers to such unnecessary musical insertions as "flowers". Triple-strikes of cymbals; double-strums of guitars; scale-runs on the bass (really unskillfully anyway); the disease of the high D and G of many church-born guitarists... [See how I am judging others?]

Over and over again, I think of the verse in Isaiah 29:13 (see 'the shepherd picks up his sheep' from last week). 'These people come near to me with their mouth and honour me with their lips; but their heart is far from me.' I question: Who are they singing their loud songs for? The raised hands and clapping, the crunched faces: for who to see? Do the lyrics really proclaim their faith? I had coined the term 'self-centred worship' when someone and I were talking about songs from that band (identity protection).[See how I continue to judge?]

If I could just cross my arms, scoff and leave the service, it would be easy. I wouldn't be in this struggle. However, I am devoted to serving this church. My philosophy is "I'm not here for the church to grow me. I'm here to grow this church." I feel the conviction to make the change; to sow seeds of true worship.

The rest of the service, I was critical of every detail. In a way it was good because I really appreciated what Han said as part of the communion about realizing the magnitude of our sin and the suffering that Christ went through to give us Salvation. Only then can we realize how much God has given us. He referred to Luke 7, about a sinful woman who washed Jesus' feet with tears, wiped them with her hair, and poured perfume on them. His words to Simon Peter were this: 'Her many sins have been forgiven-for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.' - Luke 7:47

Pastor Wen An's message was a very good reminder to live lives of Godliness. To have the decent conduct not as an affair of hypocrisy but as an outer expression of the inner condition (he used different words, I'm being stingy with words).

Derrick gave us a very encouraging affirmation of the message, tied with his own motto of pursuit of Holiness. To live our lives in complete righteousness, to give the devil no foothold, to disallow sin from separating us from God.

We had a dinner in honour of Cristal's birthday being today, and I had another shutter-happy time. Stay tuned; many photos and videos in f/1.8 waiting for processing (when I have the hours to spare.)